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I have a stress issue that it's eating me up. Not only stress, but even anger is an issue for me. I think that anger leads to stress and stress leads to anger, at least for me.

Al of this anger/stress situation is eating up my energy, my focus, my motivation and my very own health. I feel a large, heavy rock on my chest every time I breathw.

Here are some things that stress/get me angry every day:

  1. My 14 y/o brother who always does the opposite of what is being told to him. He lives currently in a "community" arranged by the state (don't know how it's called in english) and gets home only on weekends.
  2. My mother, which always finds some way to take the blame off the shoulders of my brother when clearly he's wrong. Also, I feel like I take my fathers role sometimes, telling him what to do, since my dad isn't really home much because of work. The problem is that my brother doesn't give ** about what I say and my mother does nothing.
  3. I get mad when people in general doesn't listen to me. I don't want to brag or anything, but I know my stuff and in 90% of the cases when I say a thing is going to happen it WILL happen. My mom, brother, people around me don't get it and when things go to s**t then they behave like they couldn't do anything to prevent it. Well, guess what? I already told them that THAT could've happen.

My question is: do you know a meditation technique, some Buddha stuff or ANYTHING that could help me not to be so stressed/angry about this things?

I am a very rational person and I am aware when I get angry or when I am stressed. The thing is I can't control how I feel, I can't stop being stressed or angry at my will, there isn't really a switch.

Is there some mantra, something that can help me? How can I get off this massive rock that I have on my chest?

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Come on people, answer this question! –  Con7e Jul 26 at 13:24
    
Still no definitive answer here... 5 H –  Con7e Jul 29 at 6:50

4 Answers 4

You can control how you feel, you just haven't learned how yet.

There's an illustrative story told in a podcast I listen to, summarized here: http://www.manager-tools.com/forums-8549#comment-79371. The punch line, relevant to your issue, is "He just poked you with an umbrella. You got mad all by yourself".

One of the other answers references MBTI, the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator. I have found that MBTI is useful if I know the MBTI code of whoever I'm interacting with, but it is difficult to use otherwise. Much simpler, and in many ways more effective at resolving communication issues, is the DiSC model.

Search the web for "DiSC Model" and you'll find a ton of stuff, much of it summaries by companies that want to sell you testing or training. This link is a very good overview: http://recoveringengineer.com/disc-model/the-disc-model-of-human-behavior-a-quick-overview/ Applying DiSC can be as simple as noticing the other person talks more slowly and quietly than you do, and makes much smaller gestures. So you slow down and lower your volume and energy level to match. Communication improves.

I notice some things in your question that make me think you highly value being correct. It took me years to recognize that being right was less important than being effective, and that relationships with other people are critical to being effective. Deepening and improving a relationship takes precedence over correctness in all matters that are not life threatening. That's hard to remember (been there, done that, still blow steam out my ears every once in a while) but of great value. My stress levels are greatly reduced when I remind myself the relationship is overall more important than the issue of the moment. And there is (almost) always a way to move toward correctness while not damaging the relationship, if you take the time to find it.

An additional thought about reducing the stresses you discuss: "We judge ourselves by our intent, and others by their behavior." Look honestly at your behavior and identify what you are doing to yourself that increases your stress and anger levels. Look at others and attempt to discern their intent, regardless of the outcome. When you start using the same metrics to judge yourselves and others, your perceptions will change.

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Common techniques for dealing with stress include:

  • Go for a walk, run, play sports
  • Take deep breaths
  • Walk away from the situation

In this particular case, remember that you can't control people. You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing late teens. In which case, talk with your parents about your problem. Tell them how you feel. If you can't talk to your parents, talk to a friend, teacher or someone local, or maybe there is a therapist in your university or school.

Another thing to try is to find a space that is just yours. Problems don't enter there and you just get to focus on some hobby.

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@Jeanne Boyarsky gave some excellent techniques to de-stress in a high tension situation, and I would also echo the notion of a self-imposed stress-free zone that's just yours. I'd like to add some information that's more of a lifestyle choice than dealing with stress in the moment.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was this: If you don't like (or are angered/upset/stressed by) a situation, change the situation. If you can't change the situation, change your reaction to it. I've used mindfulness techniques (another whole series of posts) to meditate upon and integrate this philosophy into my life.

In a nutshell, I try to live very intentionally to have an awareness about what I can and cannot change. I recognize that some things just suck, that's the nature of it, and I do my best to control my emotional response to it.

I'm not going to say that there's a stress switch or an anger switch, but I can say that from my experience, when I can internalize that a bad situation is one over which I have no control, it's freeing in a way that helps eliminate the stress by allowing you to let go of it. Think of it like this: in the summer, I'd love to sleep late. However, light wakes me up. I could get stressed and angry that the sun is coming up at 5am, or I can just accept that the sun is going to do what the sun is going to do. It doesn't HELP the situation for me to get upsent or angry or stressed; none of that makes the sun rise later or helps me sleep longer. Having internalized that understanding, it makes no logical sense for me to hang on to anger or stress.

Now, that being said, without an understanding of your background and history, it's uncertain if there's something else causing the anger and stress. There may be a chemical imbalance, there may be a behavior pattern that's so deeply imprinted that it's impossible for you to make that shioft in thinking alone. In those cases, a psychiatrist and/or therapist can help work through the issues or adjust the brain chemistry to allow yourself to let go of the stress and anger.

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From the examples you provide and description about your personality, I would suspect: 1 - the anger you feel is caused by different of styles / preferences, approach to things, way of communication, way of making decisions with people around you 2 - this anger is causing you to stress because as you say, you know your stuff and you think you are right.

The good thing is you seem to know yourself quite well, the trap is that the way you function appears to you to be THE right way. I was thinking the same until I got familiar with the MBTI, Myers Briggs Type Indicator. This is a simple personnality tool: - There are 4 dimensions (energy, attention, decision, lifestyle) - For each dimension, you position yourself on 1 out of 2 preferences (the process to do that well is important, ideally with a certified person) - The combination of each preference gives you your personality type (there are 16 different types) Now the real strength of this tool, is that each personality type is EQUAL. And on each dimension, both preferences are EQUAL. While you and I might have an opposite natural preference to recharge, see the world, make decisions, or organise our life, both are equally good (each with pros and cons). Example: maybe to make decision your primary criteria is a rational approach and equity, while for me it will be the impact on people and the harmony. If we are not aware of the other preference (because not natural for us) and don't respect it, then it creates conflict, misunderstanding and so on with half of the people you deal with who see things differently. But if you understand both are equally good and even complementary you will understand how they function, what drives their behaviors, how they see things, what is causing THEM stress, or their primary criteria to organise their life... Once you see this, you value better the perspective of understand, talk about it instead of judging and increase drastically your emotional intelligence I think. Actually even your natural partner will typically be someone with opposite preferences to complete each other. Going through this tool and being myself a certified person helped me understand how my dad for example functions, or having deeper discussions with my brothers instead of just being pissed at one of their reaction I did not understand.

So my advise to you is to go through this tool with someone certified, to understand well the differences between each preference, understand your type and this journey should be reducing your stress immensely I am sure because you will understand that what is causing you this anger is just the most important thing in life: difference. The best teams are the ones with different skills, approaches, backgrounds etc... as long as you respect each other. Once you have your type, I find this website very useful to get insight, tips, kinds of careers that fit your style, things you should be careful about, how to manage your stress http://personalitypage.com/. Because what causes stress or reduces stress will be different for each type. Hope this will be helpful, enjoy the journey.

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